Down to Earth

Rose Marie is leaning out a window in her flat, and gazes down at the cars passing by. She sighs. She's bummed out. But, why, you may ask?

Just a few weeks ago, Rose Marie realized that she was adopted. She was raised by a god and a goddess, and therefore, quite naturally, assumed that she herself was a goddess. She always thought she was immortal and had infinite powers. She thought she could do anything, be anyone...
Until her parents told her she was adopted. They told her that she was really just an ordinary, mortal human, with no superpowers... This was hard for her to digest. She was nothing she thought she was, and was having an intense identity crisis. She was extremely bummed out. She couldn't deal with being an outsider in the heavens, so she travelled down to Earth. She saw a city with rainbow flags and figured it was the closest thing to heaven on Earth. She moved into a flat in the Inner Richmond and changed her mind. But she liked it. There was something different and intriguing about it. But she was still bummed out. She had no powers. She would die someday. She didn't have angels serving her ice cream after a long unicorn-back ride over the Himalayas.

Rose Marie contemplates the last few weeks. She sheds a few tears as she thinks about the ice cream. She has some in the freezer, but it's third-rate. She walks into the kitchen to get some, and suddenly realizes that she has run out of food. She decides to go to the supermarket. She asks for food, but they tell her that her credit is maxed out. She doesn't know what to do. She's even more bummed out than ever before. Not only is she mortal, she's also hungry.

She is about to leave, when she hears a soft "ahem" behind her. She turns around. Standing there in her full, radiant glory is Uma the Monkey.

"You having money problems, girl? I can take care of that," Uma says warmly. She hands Rose a wad of cash and tells her to buy some food. Rose Marie refuses at first, but her empty stomach tells her to please take the cash, so she does. After buying a bountiful heap of food, Uma accompanies Rose back to her place. Rose is grateful that she has met a friend in the city. Uma asks Rose if she needs some money advice. Rose tells her story, and Uma realizes that she needs a lot more than advice.

Uma says, "Rose, you've set unrealistic standards for yourself because of who you were raised by. You've got to look at other mortals as role models, rather than immortals." She tells her to accept herself for who she really is and not who she thought she was. She also tells her that she must be grateful that the gods put so much energy into raising her, when some humans could have done it instead. She then says, "Rose, you need to get a job so you can afford to eat and stay in your nice flat".

Rose Marie thanks Uma for her advice and decides to go job hunting, and also do some research on human society and how it works. She has a lot of work ahead of her. But it shouldn't take long, since she  is a little smarter and stronger than the average person since she was raised by gods. And, of course, Uma is always there to help, whenever Rose really needs it!

SNAFU

Erik Goldstein is a folk-rocker from Martha's Vineyard. He has been on his North American tour for about three weeks. The highlight of the tour is tonight. He will play the Fillmore. It is a very exciting moment in his life. He has wanted to play the Fillmore since he was a teenager, and was just starting to learn how to sing and play guitar. Now, he and his band, The Soap Impressions, will play the legendary venue of his dreams.

The elated musician is supposed to be on in three hours. He sits in his bus, drinking coffee. He feels slightly stiff and his throat feels a little rough. He doesn't think much of it, because he knows he hasn't gotten too much sleep and assumes he is merely out of it and a bit tired. A little coffee should do the trick. He decides to take a nap. Maybe he will feel better after getting some rest. When he wakes up, he feels a bit light headed. He goes outside and fires up a cigarette. He hopes this might help. 

Erik gets on stage. He feels confident and strong again as he looks at the sea of adoring fans. He completely forgets his headache and sore muscles. He exchanges a few words with his bandmates, cracks a few jokes to the audience, then launches into his first song. He plays song after song, and after a while he begins to feel delirious and much more sore than before. As he sings a cover of "I Want You" by Bob Dylan, his voice cracks, and he begins to mix up the words. He struggles through the rest of the song, often leaving out entire lines. He loses his confidence. His fingers feel stiff, and he can barely play his guitar. Each song after this is progressively more sloppy than the one before it. Finally, he apologizes to the audience, then starts coughing and sneezing. He looks at the audience members who shake their heads in disappointment. He looks to his band and says, "Give them their money's worth," and walks off stage. The band plays on without him.

This bummed-out musician sits backstage, coughing and feeling feverish. "Why!?", he shouts at no one in particular. This is a serious bummer. He has dreamed of this moment for fifteen years, and when he finally gets to play at this venue, he gets sick and messes up the set. Why now? Why right at this moment? He feels fine the entire tour and is doing great, but as soon as he arrives at the Fillmore, for no explicable reason he suddenly falls ill. Erik is currently hating life, and wants to drown his sorrows in a bottle of Jack. Of course this will only get him sicker, so he decides to drink some emergen-C instead.. 

There is a knock at the door. Erik doesn't hear it at first. Finally, the door opens a crack. He hears a small voice ask him if he's OK, and whether he needs somebody to talk to. He doesn't recognize the voice, but says "come in" as steadily as he can. 

A monkey walks in, and sits down in a chair next to Erik. "Hi, I'm Uma. I saw what happened up on stage. I'm really sorry that that had to happen to you. You must feel embarrassed. But everybody knows it's not your fault. Everybody knows you're sick and feels bad for you. Your band put on a good show without you, and with any luck you'll be invited back here, another night when you're feeling a little better." 

"Thanks. But who are you, anyway?" Erik asks. 

"Just a loyal fan, that's all," Uma says, smiling comfortingly. 

Erik is very confused. A talking monkey. He must be really sick. Nonetheless, what Uma says makes sense, and he regains some confidence. Uma puts a hand on Erik's forehead and mutters something about a fever, and pulls out a tea bag from a pocket in her baggy dress: "Here, have some of this. It'll make you feel better". She says goodbye and good luck and leaves the room. Erik makes the tea, drinks it and very soon begins to feel a little better. He's not too bummed out now, and has regained some spiritual strength from Uma's kind words and actions. Thanks, Uma!

Trouble n' Transit

Melody-Sue Johnson III is a very earnest college kid who studies hard, does well in school, and tries to do just as well in other aspects of her life. She lives in the Sunset district in San Francisco. She takes the bus to SF State every day, and always makes sure she heads out early enough to catch a bus that will get her to class on time.

This is, of course, all before calamity strikes. On Valentine's Day, Melody's boyfriend Ben breaks up with her. She is devastated. She's bummed out. Now that she's very depressed and can't focus on anything or keep up with her intense schedule, she heads to the bus stop a little later than usual. As she arrives, the bus she needs is just pulling away. She runs after it, but the driver doesn't stop.

It begins to rain. Melody doesn't have an umbrella. She starts to cry. She won't make it to school on time. She's soaked. She's been dumped on the worst day possible. 

As she stands there, weeping in the rain, a hot-air balloon drifts along right above her. A monkey sits in the dangling basket and plays an accordion and sings. Melody doesn't notice this at all until a voice calls out to her: "Hey, you look like you need a piping hot mug of hot cocoa, a blanket and a fireplace to sit in front of," the monkey shouts. Melody looks up in disbelief. Who could this possibly be? 

"Who are you?" Melody asks. 

"I'm Uma. Hop on board!" the monkey answers.

Melody grabs a rope ladder that Uma throws down to her. She climbs up. Melody asks the monkey if she can give her a ride to school. Uma agrees, but suggests that they stop by her place first to get her into some dry clothes, and maybe also have some hot cocoa. Melody thinks this is a great idea, so she agrees. As these two new friends drift toward Uma's house, they get to talking about their lives. When Uma hears what terrible things Melody has been going through, she decides to teach her a few things about what you can do when you're bummed out. 

"Look here, girl," Uma says. "You gotta look at yourself long and hard and think about who you really are. You need to relax, and look at the end of one chapter as the beginning of another. If you're faced with a problem, try to look for a solution. Everything is a challenge and a lesson. Remember that." 

Melody thanks Uma for her wise words. They get to Uma's and Melody puts on some very nice, warm dry clothes, and the two friends drink hot cocoa and laugh and tell stories in front of the fireplace. Melody will not make it to class today, but she is getting very good grades and has never missed class before, so everything is going to be just fine. She's not bummed out. She's learned a lot, and has a made a good friend who has helped her in a time of great need.

Later, Melody thanks Uma, and goes home. She can't help but laugh when she gets back home. She's not bummed out at all!

Perdu à San Francisco!

Monsieur Pierre Fournier is a chef from Paris, France. He is a very busy man and almost never has time to go on vacation. Finally, one day, he gets a chance to have some time to himself, and decides to travel. He thinks about what city he would like to visit. He realizes that San Francisco would be a fantastic place to go. It is a must-see for any world tourist.

Pierre packs his bags. He gets on board his flight. Everything is just fantastic. The service is great, the food is startlingly good, and upon arriving he is immediately led to a fantastic hotel. What could go wrong? Pierre gets a great night's sleep. The next morning, he gets up early to go see the sights. He sees many wonderful things. A hose-shaped tower, a red bridge that spans over a golden gate, and a smaller version of Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. Ah, what fun. What great things to see and do.

Three days later, Pierre is exhausted. He is ready to go home. But, suddenly everything goes terribly wrong. Pierre can't find his passport. Where could it be? It is nowhere to be found. Lost! Gone! Fin! What will Pierre do?

Pretty soon, Pierre can't afford to stay in the hotel anymore. He has tried to talk to the people at the French consulate, but it will take a long time to get back to France, as there is a lot of bureaucracy to deal with. In the meantime, he must panhandle on the streets of San Francisco. 

Pierre is seriously bummed out. He is lost in San Francisco, is homeless, and has no one to turn to. After a couple days of wandering around the city and panhandling, Pierre meets a busker named Uma. She is a delightful, intelligent, and compassionate monkey. She essentially saves Pierre's life by letting him stay at her place, until all the legal shenanigans settle and he can go back home. She even helps him find a job. She has a friend who runs an after-school program. The cooking teacher has recently fallen ill, and a substitute is needed. What better substitute than Pierre, a top notch French chef? Pierre lands the substitute job, and all the kids and faculty instantly fall in love with him. 

Finally, everything works itself out, and Pierre gets a flight home. Although Pierre started very bummed out, his San Francisco adventures ended up being very exciting, and he made many new friends, and even landed a sweet job, where he taught kids the joy of cooking. Pierre is not so bummed. He is happily back at home, and invites Uma to his Parisian apartment. This has all been a great learning experience, but now Pierre is tired and must get some sleep.

Why does this job only pay for my MUNI pass and rent?

Uma, a nearsighted monkey who lives in Ingleside, works at a funky little bookstore on Broadway. It's near a bunch of clubs and bars and is therefore usually overlooked by most of the people who walk by. Uma can barely pay for her rent and MUNI pass, even though she makes San Francisco minimum wage, which is about the wage of a CEO in Bootjack, CA. Uma is bummed out because she always has to scrounge for each meal. She finally decides to get a second job, so that she can at least eat real food...

Uma looks and looks everywhere, but can find nothing, so she decides to busk. Being a monkey, this is actually quite easy. All she has to do is dance around. This impresses all the dumb tourists, and they cough up lots of change. This falls from their gaping mouths and into her basket. The money is usually dirty because it is coughed up, so she has to take it to the laundromat, where it gets laundered. Pretty soon, Uma is making enough money to start shopping at Trader John's, which is totally awesome. The food tastes great... But this isn't enough for her. Now that she's got a taste for the finer things in life, she decides that she has to do more. She starts busking more and more, until she's as much a fixture of the city as Coit Tower.

The owner of the bookstore is wondering where she is all the time. He decides to tell her to stop busking and come back to the store, and even offers to raise her pay. The problem is that she has now become a protected treasure of the city and is required by law to perform every day to the delight of all the precious tourists who visit the city from all over the world. Uma likes her double life and no longer feels bummed at all, but her boss really needs her to work more hours at the bookstore.

NOTE TO READERS:

These two people are in a bit of a pickle. If you have any suggestions on what Uma and/or her boss can do, just comment here and I will be sure to forward your suggestions to both of them!

Night of the Big Bummer on Broadway

Ben Adrienne, a nineteen year old college student, wants to go out and have a big night out on the town. The town is San Francisco, which, as we all know, is incredibly pricey. Ben is out with a few friends who are all over twenty-one. They pass up bar after bar on Broadway, where all the nightlife is supposedly "happening". They are looking for an "eighteen plus" club. They can't find one, so after awhile, his friends get fed up with dragging a minor around with them. They ditch him and wander into a major scene that's just beginning to boil in one of the "fancy" night clubs.

Ben is bummed out. He doesn't know what to do. He fights back tears of frustration and wanders up and down the street. He doesn't have enough money in his pocket to get into any cafes and doesn't have enough years in his life to get into any clubs. This scene is totally bumming this dude out. But dig this: He suddenly stumbles upon a little bookstore that is still open at the incredibly late hour of eleven-thirty. He walks in...

He hates himself for hanging out in a bookstore on a Saturday night. Where's the party? Obviously not here... But after awhile be becomes mesmerized by the strange titles and artwork of all the books in this dusty old store. He feels a sense of determination well up in him. He will not let this night become a bummer, so he decides to try his best to enjoy himself. He looks for a good book to read. Nothing really catches his eye, until he suddenly finds himself staring right at a diary apparently written by a short sighted monkey. He opens it, and falls into the book. He reads and reads and is hypnotized by the words and images. He comes to realize after awhile that someone is standing in front of him. He looks up: It's the monkey. She is squinting at him angrily and slaps him across the face. "Get a life!" she says angrily. Ben wakes up. He decides to rethink his need to make the night exciting and apologizes to the monkey.