Thursday, April 28, 2011

How to Help Out in Society



In the video (above), Blue Bird, (who has sprained his right leg) is limping along a path. People pass by him, and one man almost steps on him. Uma rescues him from certain disaster and decides to take him to the hospital. 

This is something that happens all too often. Someone is injured, or sick and people decide that it would be much easier to just go on with their business and ignore those who need their help. It is often very easy to help others, but even easier to ignore them. This bums me out.

What Uma is trying to do is go out into the world and change this psychology. She is teaching people to go out and help others. She does it herself as an example that everyone else can follow. It goes a lot further than just helping an injured bird on some path. It goes much further than helping an injured person on a busy street. It can mean helping entire groups of people who can easily be helped by those who are more fortunate. Of course it is easier to just ignore all of this and pretend it's not happening. However, Uma urges you not to do this, and to take initiative by joining her team and helping her help everyone who truly needs it. 

Video Credits: Video and audio (including music) written and produced by Chris Selland.

Uma on Problems



Uma is a monkey who helps people solve their problems. She has started recruiting people to join forces with her. Above is a video sponsored by none other than Uma herself. She does not want to appear in the actual video as she does not want her true identity to be revealed to the masses. There are certain people in the world who feel that the human race would be better off without her. The purpose of this film is to weed out the people with small problems before they call up Uma, potentially wasting her time. Uma can now help these people effortlessly with these video broadcasts. Now, only people with real issues will actually call up the magical monkey. 

In a recent interview with renowned Sociologist, Edward DuCharme, he claims that what Uma is doing is playing renegade guidance counselor to the human race, in hopes of saving it before it destroys itself. The true question is whether this is really helping or not. In Uma's defense, she is building a vast organization, which is making her work more effective. 

The above scenario actually illustrates a recent true story that shocked the world:

Hans, the Shneeman is bummed out. He is very busy, and his social life is not that great. He hasn't had a date in ten months. He hasn't read the news at all so he doesn't know that there are snowmen and women in other parts of the world who are having a much harder time. In fact, close to thirty percent of snowpeople are melting, and will not be able to return next winter. Anyway, Uma gets a call and flies all the way to Germany to help the guy. When she arrives, she realizes that his problems are miniscule. This is when she realizes that she is going to have to build a program that will weed out these types of problems by preemptively solving them with a viral video campaign. Uma strongly emphasizes that people must believe in themselves and help each other the best they can before calling her. Uma should only be summoned into action as a last resort. 

Remember this, and you too can improve your well-being!

Video Credits: Video and audio (including music) written and produced by Chris Selland.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

"It's a Family Affair" Part 2

There is a knock at the door. Chelsea gets up and opens it. Aaron and his sister stand there. Uma is holding a stack of papers. This makes Chelsea nervous. What does this mean? Monkeys are very intelligent and trustworthy, but she has never been in this situation before.

"OK, guys, I know you know what's up. This isn't an advice session. I'm just helping you with some technicalities. Let's sit at the dining room table."

Uma, Aaron, and Chelsea sit down around the stack of paperwork. It is revealed that the paperwork is for a  rehab center. Aaron and Chelsea start filling the papers out. Once they've filled out the forms, however, there seem to be more forms.

"What's this all about?" Aaron asks, indicating the extra forms.
"Ah. Yes, both of you could face some jail time because of your career choices, so I've acquired some clearance forms from pretty high up. I can't tell you how high up, but it's up there, and definitely legit," Uma assures Aaron and Chelsea.

Aaron and Chelsea fill out all the forms. Uma then accompanies them to a post office to send off the rehab forms, and the local police department to turn in the legal clearance forms.

"How did you manage to pull all this off? I mean, it's pretty amazing," Aaron asks his sister.
"I've helped a lot of people. And they all want to help me in return. Simple," Uma explains.

A few months later, Chelsea and Aaron are sitting in the garden at a rehab center somewhere deep in the woods in Northern California. They sip on ice tea and are feeling pretty good after an intensive period of withdrawal symptoms. The people at the rehab center have helped them find connections and places that are willing to hire people with troubled pasts. Chelsea and Aaron are waiting for Uma to come by that day and pay a visit.

It's mid afternoon, and the two friends are sitting in the lobby. Uma strides in confidently and spots them, and rushes over to say hello.

"Hey, long time no see! How are you?" Uma exclaims.
"Oh, fine, much better. Thanks so much," Aaron and Chelsea answer.

After some talking and filling out of more forms, the three happy friends are headed back to San Francisco, and Uma has jobs for both Aaron and Chelsea.

"OK, so you keep on telling us that we'll love our new jobs, and that we'll be doing great things. So, what is it?" Chelsea asks.
"Haha, you'll see," Uma answers.

Uma leads the two into her house. "OK, make yourselves at home," she says.

Uma grabs a book from a tall shelf. She brings it to her brother and his friend.
"OK, you can sign up in here if you wish. But you'll need to be committed. I know you have strong wills and a deep desire to do good in this world. But I'm not going to force you to take this career path." She opens the book. "Would you like to be my assistants? Would you like to help me help people help themselves? It's a rewarding job, and so many people, animals, and plants all over the world are expecting me to come save them from the doldrums these days that I really need some help. So if you'd like to join the team, just sign up in this book and we can start training first thing tomorrow morning. Are you in?"
"I'm in," Aaron says.
"Me too," Chelsea adds.

The three friends shake hands, laugh, and jump up, frozen in the air for a few seconds as is necessary in such comical superhero situations.

A new day is coming, and Uma is bringing it.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

"It's a Family Affair" Part 1

The sun shines in through the blinds. Aaron opens his eyes and squints painfully toward the blinding light. He rolls over and looks at the floor next to the bed. Clothes, white powder, a few needles, a pipe, and an AK-47 are strewn casually across the floor. Aaron turns away from this scene of destruction to look at the woman sleeping next to him. Who is she? Oh... Suddenly he recognizes her. She was a good friend of his in elementary school, but they went their separate ways in middle school. He didn't recognize her last night, but now it all comes back to him. Aaron suddenly remembers all the fun times he had with her as a child.

Aaron remembers very clearly. He sees himself playing with this girl. Chelsea. That's her name. He is suddenly transported back to a time where he is learning how to play guitar and violin. He is painting pictures, and working on a science project. He runs to his mother and asks her what she'd like for dinner. She says she'd like spaghetti. He smiles at her lovingly and goes to the kitchen to make the meal with her. Later, after eating, he tells mom and dad that he has decided that he wants to be a scientist and find cures for various currently incurable illnesses, and also make artwork on the side. He is an ambitious little child who wants to help people and make beautiful things. He gets good grades, has many friends, and is artistically gifted.

Aaron smiles at these memories, then grimaces as he looks at himself in the mirror on the wall. He sees himself, emaciated with messed up fur that hasn't seen a shower in a week.

Chelsea wakes up. "Oh, my God, I had no idea you were a monkey!" she says.
Aaron says, "I'm not just a monkey. I'm Aaron. We used to be friends."
"Yes, we did," Chelsea says with a far away look.
"I'll make breakfast," Aaron says.
"Oh, thanks, but you don't have to..." Chelsea says drearily.
"I want to..." Aaron says.

Aaron is bummed out that he let his life become like this. What went wrong? He was such a good little kid. Fifteen years later he is a drug addict, a gun runner, and all his "love affairs" are paid for. He's also bummed out that Chelsea's life has also gone astray. She was also a good little kid. Very bright, attentive, and creative. Now she is no better off than he is. He wants to help her. He also wants to help himself. It won't be easy though.

As Aaron is making eggs in the kitchen he tries to think about what he did wrong and what he should fix in order to begin his journey down the road of helping himself and Chelsea. He nods as he realizes that reconnecting with his family is the first thing he should do.

"Hey, Chelsea, let me get your number. We'll keep in touch. I'll try to get you a good job and make everything better again for both of us. In the meantime, I need to go talk to my sister. She's all the family I've got now, and I need to talk to her," Aaron says solemnly.
"Yeah, OK," Chelsea says, and gives him her number.

Aaron gets in his car and drives home. He sits alone, staring at the phone. He picks it up and calls his sister.

"Hello?" his sister calls out at the other end of the line.
"Hey, Uma, it's Aaron. Don't hang up, I want to apologize."
"I wasn't going to hang up. Don't worry. I accept your apology. Are you OK?" Uma asks.
"No. I mean I was wasn't, but I want to be. I'm in between those two places right now. I just wanted to reconnect with you as I begin my journey toward fixing everything I've broken." Aaron whispers, choking back tears.
"Yeah, well, OK. Let's meet up and talk. I think that's best." Uma says.

Aaron and Uma meet up at Cafe Trieste. They talk about the last time they saw each other at their parents' funeral, which ended in a fight between the two of them, where Uma called Aaron a baby killer who deserved to die. She was very upset that her brother was in the killing industry.

"I want to do something else. This is just so wrong. And I want to help Chelsea." Aaron says, explaining  the current situation that opened his eyes.
"I can help you. That's what I do these days. I help people." Uma says, smiling at her brother.
"I'd like to help myself. But, thanks." Aaron sighs.
"I think you need my help." Uma whispers.

Aaron does need his sister's help. This is the most difficult help that Uma has ever had to give, however. This is not an advice session. Aaron has already given himself advice. Uma must help find her brother and Chelsea jobs, and rehabilitation. This is going to be a long journey. Uma is excited, though. She is up for the challenge.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Wish I Had a Coat


Arbol Ki, is a redwood tree. It is several hundred years old and is just old enough to start having to deal with its own finances. It's tough having to go out on your own and find a steady nine to five, but it's also refreshing, because you're no longer a dependent who has to follow every command of the Great Tree (born two years before Jesus). This is not what is troubling Arbol on this particular day, however. Arbol has recently made a discovery - the coat.

This tree had never really paid attention to humans before and was always content with standing around naked in the cold, letting off mist every morning as the air warmed up. Freezing up, then thawing was just a normal thing.

Now that Arbol has discovered the coat, everything has changed. At first, Arbol is not sure what it is; but after talking with a few different people who are wearing them, the tree comes to realize that these beings never have to freeze, then thaw because they wear coats that keep them warm. They are always at a consistent, cozy temperature. Arbol asks one human if she can make a tree coat. She says she can't because trees don't wear coats. Only humans and some mammals do. Arbol is devastated. The tree must continue to freeze, then thaw every day for at least another thousand years.

Arbol Ki is bummed out because it is not a human. The tree wants to be a person so badly, because it dreams of a life where it can remain at a nice cozy temperature all the time, in a nice warm coat. Arbol complains and complains. It hurts when ice forms on its bark, although it is very satisfying when it all evaporates and floats away in a thick mist every morning. The tree complains and begs passersby to please make a coat for it. Nobody listens. Most people can't hear trees.

One day, as the sad tree stands, shivering in the early morning, a monkey enters the woods. The monkey is Uma. She walks down the hard packed, well traveled path through Muir Woods National Park, and looks up at the various trees in awe. It is incredible how old and strong the trees are.

Suddenly, Uma notices Arbol Ki. Something is different about this tree. It doesn't stand proudly. It seems  disappointed and sad. She stops in her tracks. She looks at Ki, and wonders what's wrong. Steam cascades off Arbol's body, as it shivers very slightly. Uma doesn't know what to say.

It's not long before Arbol notices Uma. The tree calls out to her: "Can you help me?"
Uma answers: "I don't know. What do you need?"
The tree says: "I need a coat."
"A tree coat?" Uma asks.
"Yes, a tree coat." The tree answers.
"I'll see what I can do." Uma says.

Uma promises the tree that she'll be back in a few days. She will look for a coat that fits the tree. She looks around various department stores but there is nothing big enough. She finally decides to make the coat herself. She collects moss and lichen and weaves a great big green coat for the tree.

Uma brings the gift to the tree one cold night a week later. When Arbol sees Uma, it is in complete disbelief. By now it had given up hope. Uma puts the coat on the tree and stands back to see how it fits. It fits perfectly. Arbol is very happy about this gift and thanks Uma, telling her that if she ever needs anything it will do whatever it can to help her. Uma is delighted that she has been able to help out this tree and make it happy again. As Uma leaves, she looks over her shoulder, and notices that Arbol Ki now stands tall and proud like the other redwoods. Uma has saved a tree!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Downtown


Koala Johnson is a koala. All he ever wanted was to grow up to be an ordinary fellow with an ordinary job. However, shortly after he graduates from high school, he falls in with the wrong kind of crowd and starts doing hard drugs. At the age of twenty, Koala has graduated to a rare form of Vitamin WOW, which is particularly dangerous for koalas. It causes hallucinations, intense euphoria, and delusions of grandeur. If taken in high enough doses it can cause spontaneous combustion and/or itchy paws. This is only the beginning. Koala realizes that in order to feed his habit, he must make more money. He starts dealing Vitamin WOW on the streets of San Francisco.

One day, as Koala is prowling the streets at night, pushing his product, a plain-clothes detective meets up with him. After negotiating for a bit, the detective arrests Koala. He is sent to prison on ten thousand dollar bail. He can't afford the bail, and no one he knows can either. He sits in his cell. He's bummed out.

Koala is suffering from intense withdrawal symptoms. He's in a lot of pain, and sometimes wonders if he'll get through alive. Pretty soon, it becomes clear to Warden Peters that inmate Koala Johnson needs some serious help. They send him to the prison therapist. She has a hard time communicating with him because she's unfamiliar with the psychology of koalas. She needs help. She sits around in her office doing research. She's hit a wall... Then, suddenly, out of the blue she remembers that her friend Uma knows quite a bit about the psyche of the koala. She's calls Uma. The magical monkey replies a few days later, and is very enthusiastic about the opportunity to help a troubled koala.

Uma enters the office. She is delighted to see her psychiatrist friend. They chat for a little bit. Then, she sees Koala lying on the sofa. His eyes are glazed over. He moans softly. Uma gasps, and rushes over to him. She checks his temperature, asks him what his name is, and immediately gets to work. She asks him  questions, gives him positive words, and gives him a back rub. Afterward, she whispers the greatest koala compliment in his ear: "You appear long out of the pouch". Koala smiles, and thanks her. He feels much better, spiritually. This will give him the strength to recover physically.

Uma decides to come back each week to check on Koala to make sure that he's doing OK. She tells him that it would be a good idea to take rehab classes and take cleansing Yoga sessions. If he does this, and doesn't get in any fights, he should be able to get out of the slammer in two years. Koala feels happy (not completely happy because two years is a long time), but happy enough. He looks forward to the future, feels much better physically, and is very thankful to Uma. Thanks again, Uma!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Down to Earth

Rose Marie is leaning out a window in her flat, and gazes down at the cars passing by. She sighs. She's bummed out. But, why, you may ask?

Just a few weeks ago, Rose Marie realized that she was adopted. She was raised by a god and a goddess, and therefore, quite naturally, assumed that she herself was a goddess. She always thought she was immortal and had infinite powers. She thought she could do anything, be anyone...
Until her parents told her she was adopted. They told her that she was really just an ordinary, mortal human, with no superpowers... This was hard for her to digest. She was nothing she thought she was, and was having an intense identity crisis. She was extremely bummed out. She couldn't deal with being an outsider in the heavens, so she travelled down to Earth. She saw a city with rainbow flags and figured it was the closest thing to heaven on Earth. She moved into a flat in the Inner Richmond and changed her mind. But she liked it. There was something different and intriguing about it. But she was still bummed out. She had no powers. She would die someday. She didn't have angels serving her ice cream after a long unicorn-back ride over the Himalayas.

Rose Marie contemplates the last few weeks. She sheds a few tears as she thinks about the ice cream. She has some in the freezer, but it's third-rate. She walks into the kitchen to get some, and suddenly realizes that she has run out of food. She decides to go to the supermarket. She asks for food, but they tell her that her credit is maxed out. She doesn't know what to do. She's even more bummed out than ever before. Not only is she mortal, she's also hungry.

She is about to leave, when she hears a soft "ahem" behind her. She turns around. Standing there in her full, radiant glory is Uma the Monkey.

"You having money problems, girl? I can take care of that," Uma says warmly. She hands Rose a wad of cash and tells her to buy some food. Rose Marie refuses at first, but her empty stomach tells her to please take the cash, so she does. After buying a bountiful heap of food, Uma accompanies Rose back to her place. Rose is grateful that she has met a friend in the city. Uma asks Rose if she needs some money advice. Rose tells her story, and Uma realizes that she needs a lot more than advice.

Uma says, "Rose, you've set unrealistic standards for yourself because of who you were raised by. You've got to look at other mortals as role models, rather than immortals." She tells her to accept herself for who she really is and not who she thought she was. She also tells her that she must be grateful that the gods put so much energy into raising her, when some humans could have done it instead. She then says, "Rose, you need to get a job so you can afford to eat and stay in your nice flat".

Rose Marie thanks Uma for her advice and decides to go job hunting, and also do some research on human society and how it works. She has a lot of work ahead of her. But it shouldn't take long, since she  is a little smarter and stronger than the average person since she was raised by gods. And, of course, Uma is always there to help, whenever Rose really needs it!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

SNAFU

Erik Goldstein is a folk-rocker from Martha's Vineyard. He has been on his North American tour for about three weeks. The highlight of the tour is tonight. He will play the Fillmore. It is a very exciting moment in his life. He has wanted to play the Fillmore since he was a teenager, and was just starting to learn how to sing and play guitar. Now, he and his band, The Soap Impressions, will play the legendary venue of his dreams.

The elated musician is supposed to be on in three hours. He sits in his bus, drinking coffee. He feels slightly stiff and his throat feels a little rough. He doesn't think much of it, because he knows he hasn't gotten too much sleep and assumes he is merely out of it and a bit tired. A little coffee should do the trick. He decides to take a nap. Maybe he will feel better after getting some rest. When he wakes up, he feels a bit light headed. He goes outside and fires up a cigarette. He hopes this might help. 

Erik gets on stage. He feels confident and strong again as he looks at the sea of adoring fans. He completely forgets his headache and sore muscles. He exchanges a few words with his bandmates, cracks a few jokes to the audience, then launches into his first song. He plays song after song, and after a while he begins to feel delirious and much more sore than before. As he sings a cover of "I Want You" by Bob Dylan, his voice cracks, and he begins to mix up the words. He struggles through the rest of the song, often leaving out entire lines. He loses his confidence. His fingers feel stiff, and he can barely play his guitar. Each song after this is progressively more sloppy than the one before it. Finally, he apologizes to the audience, then starts coughing and sneezing. He looks at the audience members who shake their heads in disappointment. He looks to his band and says, "Give them their money's worth," and walks off stage. The band plays on without him.

This bummed-out musician sits backstage, coughing and feeling feverish. "Why!?", he shouts at no one in particular. This is a serious bummer. He has dreamed of this moment for fifteen years, and when he finally gets to play at this venue, he gets sick and messes up the set. Why now? Why right at this moment? He feels fine the entire tour and is doing great, but as soon as he arrives at the Fillmore, for no explicable reason he suddenly falls ill. Erik is currently hating life, and wants to drown his sorrows in a bottle of Jack. Of course this will only get him sicker, so he decides to drink some emergen-C instead.. 

There is a knock at the door. Erik doesn't hear it at first. Finally, the door opens a crack. He hears a small voice ask him if he's OK, and whether he needs somebody to talk to. He doesn't recognize the voice, but says "come in" as steadily as he can. 

A monkey walks in, and sits down in a chair next to Erik. "Hi, I'm Uma. I saw what happened up on stage. I'm really sorry that that had to happen to you. You must feel embarrassed. But everybody knows it's not your fault. Everybody knows you're sick and feels bad for you. Your band put on a good show without you, and with any luck you'll be invited back here, another night when you're feeling a little better." 

"Thanks. But who are you, anyway?" Erik asks. 
"Just a loyal fan, that's all," Uma says, smiling comfortingly. 

Erik is very confused. A talking monkey. He must be really sick. Nonetheless, what Uma says makes sense, and he regains some confidence. Uma puts a hand on Erik's forehead and mutters something about a fever, and pulls out a tea bag from a pocket in her baggy dress: "Here, have some of this. It'll make you feel better". She says goodbye and good luck and leaves the room. Erik makes the tea, drinks it and very soon begins to feel a little better. He's not too bummed out now, and has regained some spiritual strength from Uma's kind words and actions. Thanks, Uma!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Trouble n' Transit

Melody-Sue Johnson III is a very earnest college kid who studies hard, does well in school, and tries to do just as well in other aspects of her life. She lives in the Sunset district in San Francisco. She takes the bus to SF State every day, and always makes sure she heads out early enough to catch a bus that will get her to class on time.

This is, of course, all before calamity strikes. On Valentine's Day, Melody's boyfriend Ben breaks up with her. She is devastated. She's bummed out. Now that she's very depressed and can't focus on anything or keep up with her intense schedule, she heads to the bus stop a little later than usual. As she arrives, the bus she needs is just pulling away. She runs after it, but the driver doesn't stop.

It begins to rain. Melody doesn't have an umbrella. She starts to cry. She won't make it to school on time. She's soaked. She's been dumped on the worst day possible. 

As she stands there, weeping in the rain, a hot-air balloon drifts along right above her. A monkey sits in the dangling basket and plays an accordion and sings. Melody doesn't notice this at all until a voice calls out to her: "Hey, you look like you need a piping hot mug of hot cocoa, a blanket and a fireplace to sit in front of," the monkey shouts. Melody looks up in disbelief. Who could this possibly be? 

"Who are you?" Melody asks. 
"I'm Uma. Hop on board!" the monkey answers.

Melody grabs a rope ladder that Uma throws down to her. She climbs up. Melody asks the monkey if she can give her a ride to school. Uma agrees, but suggests that they stop by her place first to get her into some dry clothes, and maybe also have some hot cocoa. Melody thinks this is a great idea, so she agrees. As these two new friends drift toward Uma's house, they get to talking about their lives. When Uma hears what terrible things Melody has been going through, she decides to teach her a few things about what you can do when you're bummed out. 

"Look here, girl," Uma says. "You gotta look at yourself long and hard and think about who you really are. You need to relax, and look at the end of one chapter as the beginning of another. If you're faced with a problem, try to look for a solution. Everything is a challenge and a lesson. Remember that." 

Melody thanks Uma for her wise words. They get to Uma's and Melody puts on some very nice, warm dry clothes, and the two friends drink hot cocoa and laugh and tell stories in front of the fireplace. Melody will not make it to class today, but she is getting very good grades and has never missed class before, so everything is going to be just fine. She's not bummed out. She's learned a lot, and has a made a good friend who has helped her in a time of great need.

Later, Melody thanks Uma, and goes home. She can't help but laugh when she gets back home. She's not bummed out at all!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Perdu à San Francisco!

Monsieur Pierre Fournier is a chef from Paris, France. He is a very busy man and almost never has time to go on vacation. Finally, one day, he gets a chance to have some time to himself, and decides to travel. He thinks about what city he would like to visit. He realizes that San Francisco would be a fantastic place to go. It is a must-see for any world tourist.

Pierre packs his bags. He gets on board his flight. Everything is just fantastic. The service is great, the food is startlingly good, and upon arriving he is immediately led to a fantastic hotel. What could go wrong? Pierre gets a great night's sleep. The next morning, he gets up early to go see the sights. He sees many wonderful things. A hose-shaped tower, a red bridge that spans over a golden gate, and a smaller version of Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. Ah, what fun. What great things to see and do.

Three days later, Pierre is exhausted. He is ready to go home. But, suddenly everything goes terribly wrong. Pierre can't find his passport. Where could it be? It is nowhere to be found. Lost! Gone! Fin! What will Pierre do?

Pretty soon, Pierre can't afford to stay in the hotel anymore. He has tried to talk to the people at the French consulate, but it will take a long time to get back to France, as there is a lot of bureaucracy to deal with. In the meantime, he must panhandle on the streets of San Francisco. 

Pierre is seriously bummed out. He is lost in San Francisco, is homeless, and has no one to turn to. After a couple days of wandering around the city and panhandling, Pierre meets a busker named Uma. She is a delightful, intelligent, and compassionate monkey. She essentially saves Pierre's life by letting him stay at her place, until all the legal shenanigans settle and he can go back home. She even helps him find a job. She has a friend who runs an after-school program. The cooking teacher has recently fallen ill, and a substitute is needed. What better substitute than Pierre, a top notch French chef? Pierre lands the substitute job, and all the kids and faculty instantly fall in love with him. 

Finally, everything works itself out, and Pierre gets a flight home. Although Pierre started very bummed out, his San Francisco adventures ended up being very exciting, and he made many new friends, and even landed a sweet job, where he taught kids the joy of cooking. Pierre is not so bummed. He is happily back at home, and invites Uma to his Parisian apartment. This has all been a great learning experience, but now Pierre is tired and must get some sleep.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Why does this job only pay for my MUNI pass and rent?

Uma, a nearsighted monkey who lives in Ingleside, works at a funky little bookstore on Broadway. It's near a bunch of clubs and bars and is therefore usually overlooked by most of the people who walk by. Uma can barely pay for her rent and MUNI pass, even though she makes San Francisco minimum wage, which is about the wage of a CEO in Bootjack, CA. Uma is bummed out because she always has to scrounge for each meal. She finally decides to get a second job, so that she can at least eat real food...

Uma looks and looks everywhere, but can find nothing, so she decides to busk. Being a monkey, this is actually quite easy. All she has to do is dance around. This impresses all the dumb tourists, and they cough up lots of change. This falls from their gaping mouths and into her basket. The money is usually dirty because it is coughed up, so she has to take it to the laundromat, where it gets laundered. Pretty soon, Uma is making enough money to start shopping at Trader John's, which is totally awesome. The food tastes great... But this isn't enough for her. Now that she's got a taste for the finer things in life, she decides that she has to do more. She starts busking more and more, until she's as much a fixture of the city as Coit Tower.

The owner of the bookstore is wondering where she is all the time. He decides to tell her to stop busking and come back to the store, and even offers to raise her pay. The problem is that she has now become a protected treasure of the city and is required by law to perform every day to the delight of all the precious tourists who visit the city from all over the world. Uma likes her double life and no longer feels bummed at all, but her boss really needs her to work more hours at the bookstore.

NOTE TO READERS:

These two people are in a bit of a pickle. If you have any suggestions on what Uma and/or her boss can do, just comment here and I will be sure to forward your suggestions to both of them!

Night of the Big Bummer on Broadway

Ben Adrienne, a nineteen year old college student, wants to go out and have a big night out on the town. The town is San Francisco, which, as we all know, is incredibly pricey. Ben is out with a few friends who are all over twenty-one. They pass up bar after bar on Broadway, where all the nightlife is supposedly "happening". They are looking for an "eighteen plus" club. They can't find one, so after awhile, his friends get fed up with dragging a minor around with them. They ditch him and wander into a major scene that's just beginning to boil in one of the "fancy" night clubs.

Ben is bummed out. He doesn't know what to do. He fights back tears of frustration and wanders up and down the street. He doesn't have enough money in his pocket to get into any cafes and doesn't have enough years in his life to get into any clubs. This scene is totally bumming this dude out. But dig this: He suddenly stumbles upon a little bookstore that is still open at the incredibly late hour of eleven-thirty. He walks in...

He hates himself for hanging out in a bookstore on a Saturday night. Where's the party? Obviously not here... But after awhile be becomes mesmerized by the strange titles and artwork of all the books in this dusty old store. He feels a sense of determination well up in him. He will not let this night become a bummer, so he decides to try his best to enjoy himself. He looks for a good book to read. Nothing really catches his eye, until he suddenly finds himself staring right at a diary apparently written by a short sighted monkey. He opens it, and falls into the book. He reads and reads and is hypnotized by the words and images. He comes to realize after awhile that someone is standing in front of him. He looks up: It's the monkey. She is squinting at him angrily and slaps him across the face. "Get a life!" she says angrily. Ben wakes up. He decides to rethink his need to make the night exciting and apologizes to the monkey.